Careers, the Emirati husband repellent
Ayesha Al Khoori | January 24, 2013
Choosing journalism as my career has proved not only stressful, but also husband-repelling.
Ever since I started this job, the people surrounding me – including my friends who I thought would understand – have been ‘worrying’ about my future husband.
In the past two months I have faced almost non-stop questioning about whether or not I have had any suitors.
My mother and aunt have made it very clear: a husband will not be forthcoming anytime soon, and even if he did he would probably run away after learning about my long working hours.
And if the hours didn’t scare him off, the need for me to interview so many people, including men, would be completely unacceptable.
The issue here is that people in my community expect me to marry a rich, naive husband and have him control me, my job and possibly my social life. But, to me, that is not an option.
I was raised by my father to be independent, and not to wait for others to give me orders or commands. My father taught me how to be who I am, and not to be changed by the people surrounding me or those who would try to pull me down. He showed me how to grow intellectually, and no man will be able to take that away from me.
While writing an article on marriage and divorce, one of my interviewees said she would change her career if the man she married objected to it.
She seemed intelligent enough, and has a bright future in politics ahead of her, so she must have a strong personality.
So I don’t understand why she would change her career rather than talk to her future husband, and find a solution that doesn’t require her to let go of her dreams.
The question is: Why does the woman have to be the one making all the sacrifices? Is it so hard for a man to accept women’s decisions?
Being a part of my community is great because we are constantly developing….yet it is also not so great, because despite this development, some of us are still stuck in the 1980s (or maybe even before that).
Hopefully, I will be able to survive such an environment.
“We know ourselves better, and we know what we would like to have in the future.” Read Ayesha’s response to the feedback from this article here.
Salam aleikum, dear Ayesha. I’m a 27 year old man from a traditional Middle Eastern family, educated in America, working and living in UAE. I hope my perspective will be useful to your dilemma.
I believe that as a man my duty is to go out into the stressful and competitive world and “win bread” for my parents, wife and children. In return, I wish to come to a home that is taken care of by a caring wife, who is my partner in life and caretaker of the home while I am away.
It is a simple formula that provides meaningful separation of roles that is beneficial for the whole family, especially the children.
But if my wife is a career-woman who works just as much as I do, comes home just as stressed as I do and is too tired after work as I am, – who is supposed to look after the children? It’s like having two fathers and no mother.
I think you are being naive if you believe that a woman can balance raising children and a career. Being a housewife and raising children is a full-time job in itself, requiring constant care and attention.
If you don’t want to spend time and effort on raising your children and looking after your home…well, maybe you are better off not marrying at all. Stick to your career and focus on being good in it.
Serious men aren’t interested in a woman’s beauty or fancy degree, they are interested in a kind, caring, loyal and reliable partner in building a family. That’s what marriage is for.
Career-driven and competitive women are wonderful to have as friends and co-workers, but I would never want to marry one.
Thanks.
I love the fact that I am on this side of the world to see/hear different views on various subjects. This is an age old “issue” that crosses color, nationality, religious lines.
The fact is that there are many women who do juggle it and do it quite well. A woman should get satisfaction outside of the home (as well as inside the home) if she chooses to. A lot of women love working and they love being wives/mothers as well. It is not easy, but sometimes life puts you in situations in which you “have” to work.
To tell this woman she is being naive in thinking she can have both is a little ignorant actually. Not only are millions of women doing it all around the world, they are doing it often times w/out a spouse.
I have seen my own mother, sister, juggle households, work for others and start their own businesses while helping their children with homework, going to school functions and cooking dinner.
I left the UAE in 1998, went to America for 10 years and came back 5 years ago. When I left, men (and women) worked hours from 8 till 2 and some would go back to work from 4-6. There were no crackberries and overall, the pace of life was slow and not hectic. Nowadays, I work from 8am till 7pm and I get emails that I am expected to respond to even on Friday! If both partners of marriage are subjected to this, how can you have a normal marriage? Meanwhile, a housemaid is raising my child with values that I do not embrace.
I have to say that even in America, there is more work-life balance than in the Gulf. Plus, there are no maids!!! We are living stressful lives (financially more rewarding than in the US) but not natural. People sit in coffee shops and don’t talk to each other. They talk to others over Blackberry!
About your marriage, I think both parties need to sacrifice for the other, not just one. However, the mother is the pillar of the house. If the mother is not there, there is no house. Allah will send you your naseeb no matter what.
My General Manager is an amazing Arab woman, with a loving family, two lovely little boys and a successful and supportive husband. Sure it’s hard work, all of it, but it’s fulfilling and this lady is an excellent role model both for her children and her colleagues.
Man and woman are not equal. We are built differently, physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. One cannot survive without the other (think big ie. Generations etc). We depend on each other. Each has his/her role in society/family. I hope you appreciate the difference and the wisdom of those before us. Change is good, its inevitable. But we must be careful. We have seen the effects of these changes in some of the more ‘advanced’ nations. Family is the moat important thing around. A single broken family can cause more damage then one can conceive. God bless.
I’m sure you will! Good luck!
I’ m sure you will! Good luck!
Thabit, men and women are different but that does mean we are not equal. If you go to the Dubai Museum, the exhibits there make a specific point of the fact that women have always been respected this part of the world and have historically had their role working ALONGSIDE the men in society. If this was the case in the past, what has changed and made it acceptable to expect women to forget about having a career and take all the responsibility for caring for the home and family? Some women may want this but some don’t and they should have their decisions to go out into the world and have an interesting career respected. Good for you Ayesha. If you want to get married, the right man, someone who respects the right of his wife to choose her own path in life, will come along. Best of luck to you.
A very refreshing view to hear and I believe people like you will drive change for the good in this country. Women in other countries balance career and family perfectly well, it’s not easy for sure but then there are other options to consider as well. I for one would be happy to be a house husband if that was the best solution for my wife and family, child care in other places is prohibitivly expensive but this is much less of an issue here. The last thing I would want is for my wife to be stuck at home due to social pressures.
I’m sure that there are some open minded suitors for you, the world is never black and white!
Thabit and Mohammad, you must see that your view consigns hundreds of talented Emirati women to being unable to pursue careers and use their intellect, to instead be confined to housewifery and child-rearing. Why should a bright, capable woman not be entitled to pursue her dreams as well as be married? Why are you entitled to enjoy all the benefits of both a marriage and a career, but not your spouse?
What if your wife was better educated and qualified than you – should she still remain only in the home? And – more to the point – what if she wants the rewards and stimulation of a career? Not every women – few, in my experience – want only to raise children and run a house. I’m not suggesting it’s not a vital and rewarding role, but the idea that – as a woman – it should be my only choice if I wish to be married, fills me with horror. I also baulk at the idea that women working has wider societal repercussions in the manner suggested by Thabit. There are no problems in ‘developed’ nations that you don’t find in in emerging nations such as the UAE, which still favour the model of women as housewives.
In a country as small as the UAE, I find the idea that half its population should be consigned to the home quite terrifying. Ayesha, I wish you all the best in finding a husband who appreciates your intellect and strengths. And one who matches up to your father (who sounds like a wonderful man.)
Joanne brings up an excellent point about the Emirati workforce. In order for emiratization to truly work, you need to train and utilize all Emiratis, not just half!
While there are many impressive Emirati men in this country, the Emirati women who pursue careers are fantastic. I think they push themselves even harder than their male counterparts due to the immense pressure on them to prove themselves.
Go Ayeesha Go!
You are raising an important issue Ayesha! Unfortunately, most men don’t support women’s career!!! Good luck with the challenges!!
Ayesha,your article filled me with hope that there are well-educated, independent women in this society who do not see themselves as being little more than an appendage to a successful man. I am sure you gain immense satisfaction from your career now and look forward to a very exciting future. Mohammad – how about you take 6 months paternity leave and have a go at hands-on caretaking. It happens elsewhere in the world and creates a wonderful lesson for the children that the role of homemaking is shared equally between their mother and father. Faced with all the facets of running a home, raising children(and not abrogating this role to a nanny), keeping track of the children’s education, etc etc etc(and only a housewife knows what those three etc actually mean)requires a physical, mental and emotional capacity that sees men fleeing for their workplace or their mates pretty quickly. Women deserve to take their full place in all aspects of UAE society and when I see one who clearly has this in mind and a dream to follow, why would you want to squash her? Life is much more than sitting about waiting for a husband and Ayesha is showing the way.
Ayeesha, good luck to you! I think your father raised a wonderful ambitious daughter. What is wrong with that?
Those men who did not respond favourable towards a career women are self admittedly traditional. It would be interesting to hear from men who are keeping up with the times.
You go sister!
Ayesha, you are going to be a strong role model for young Emirati girls. A real twenty-first century Applauding you!!
Ayesha, your article will give hope to many women in this country. Life is not just looking after family but also to do what pleases you the most. A husband should be the one to stand by you and be your support to lean on and the rest will follow.
Be the change and change will follow.
Dear Ayesha,
Don’t fret! Regardless of what people are telling you, I know enough Emirati men to believe that you can definitely find a husband that supports your career. Don’t be discouraged. Follow your dream!
I am married to a man coming from a traditional background and receiving his full support. Though main responsibility of home and child is still with me, which is very much ok, he is adding his shares, supporting me with it and watching after our little one, while I am at work before he has to leave for his job in the early afternoon. We manage this as a team with no nanny or maid or babysitters available, even if this means long days for us. This is to show you that these men do exist. So stay confident and don\’t give up on your dreams. This country needs you and your skills to further develop and shine.
Loved your blog! and following to your considerations I ask: why do we have to get married? what if this is not your cup-of-tea life? Why do we have to reproduce in XXI century the same life our ascendants had in the past? Life is so much bigger than what society expects from us. Live the life you chose to. Everything else will come as a reward.
Cheers!
Im my opinion, food is the answer.
If the mother works, you need a nice employee to work at home and nicely cook for the family when they get back home. Without this, a woman working away and nobody to cook at home is a recipy for disaster.